September 15, 2020

Our Rainbow, Eric

Falling pregnant with Eric was odd; I was programmed to believe this would fix it all, I had to be happy because the social media posts and the books all scream ‘another baby fixes everything’ RUBBISH!

When I first fell I was excited, I walked around like I was floating, I booked maternity photo shoots, we did weekly bump photos, I shopped for ridiculously expensive muslins and redecorated half the house in prep! But behind those bump photos and the excitement was absolute fear and dread, id buried it so deep, even I didn’t know it was there or what was coming.

When you first find out your pregnant you ring your GP, they then book you in with the midwife and you take yourself off for the longest meet and greet you’ll ever do! They want to know everything about you, your partner, your nan’s great uncle and every relative in between’s shoe size – this is, mostly, absolutely fine .. unless like me, you’ve lost a child. That appointment means talking about every last ounce of pain, Eric was pregnancy number 7 and I only had Brandon at home, so we had some ground to cover.

When you’ve lost a child and go on to have another, they put a snowdrop sticker on your notes, so everyone knows before talking to you that you’ve lost a baby in arms, they then wrap you in cotton wool and scan you every other week. You see a therapist, a consultant and spend more time at hospital then you do at home. This is supposed to be reassuring, the teams of people you talk to want you to feel safe and looked after, which for the most part I did feel that way, inside I felt smothered though, I wanted to be normal.

After 17 weeks we got the all clear on baby’s heart and announced our special news on social media, from that point on I felt protective of my bump more than ever before. From about 20 weeks of my pregnancy I kept having issues breathing, my chest would close up while I was watching TV and it would feel like I had a 20 stone weight on my throat; I was put in an ambulance every other week and treated for clots on my lungs, seeing paramedics charge into the house became second nature to Brandon. At around 32 weeks pregnant I was in, on a monitor, after another episode of breathlessness and a doctor I hadn’t seen before came to see me. She believed my lungs were fine and that my baby was also fine, but mentally I was struggling with anxiety and it was having a physical effect, for the first time in almost 9 months I understood my own brain a bit. I wasn’t ok, id fought so hard to be but I was struggling with being pregnant again and all the pressures that come with that – what happened if this child died too?

Eric ended up being wedged sideways and wasn’t turning, i was due on the 19th Oct (my youngest sisters birthday and the day we brought Roo home) but i had to have a csection for his awakrd position and they wanted me in at 39 weeks.. again this sent my anxiety into overdrive! id gone in to labour naturally with Ronnie early, so what if i did with Eric?! surely he would get stuck? and emergency csection?? i couldn’t cope! My consutant agreed to just before 38weeks, so i wasnt having Eric on Ronnies birthday and then the preperations begun.

After years of grief and heartache, on October 2nd 2017 at 9:17am, my perfect little Eric was placed on my chest. 7lb 5oz of pure joy, id finally allowed myself a piece of happiness. Today at nearly 3years old, he is still every inch the perfect rainbow baby.

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