September 15, 2020

From loss to rainbow..

After loosing Ronnie all plans were off the table, I was ready to quit life and hide under my duvet with a bottle of vodka and Brandon for therest of the year; it didn’t exactly go that way. Yes I had lots of days hiding away with a bottle or 4, but mostly I kept busy, id bleach my grouting and scrub it with a toothbrush at 4am, I redecorated loads and the ironing was done when I couldn’t sleep … so mostly at 1am. I couldn’t switch off, I couldn’t stop and think for a minute, so I kept pushing my limits.

We had our wedding planned for October that year and we had strongly considered cancelling everything, but family and friends convinced us to finish the year on a high, give everyone an excuse to come to together and smile for the day and to allow ourselves a little piece of happiness – I don’t regret going ahead at all, but I wasn’t involved in much of the planning, my heart wasn’t in it. Rob took care of everything, apart from the venue and the food I really didn’t have an opinion on things, even my sister chose my dress!

From March to October Rob focussed on wedding plans, but somewhere in between all of this Rob lost his job, my nan fell ill and passed away 6 weeks before we said ‘I do’ and I jumped into a second job at Next to help fund things – it was an awful year for us.. We had Ronnies 1st birthday 3weeks before our wedding day and somehow managed to celebrate, but after the wedding we lost our focus. We went OTT that Christmas, I was working 7days a week, we had decided to try for another baby, Rob started a new job and by the new year I was burnt out, I kept going. Id gone from a healthy size 10 to a teeny size 6, at 5″9 I looked ill, I was ill. By Feb we hadn’t fallen pregnant and id changed my mind,i joined the gym (because I wasn’t tiny enough?!) and 2015 spiralled into drinking heavily, working out constantly and working till I couldn’t see straight. Our newlywed bubble didn’t really exist, we were bumbling along in a cloud of grief trying to figure out how to move forward when we wanted the past back.

Don’t get me wrong we were happy, madly in love and still are BUT we had things thrown at us that not many coupes do. We get told all the time how strong we are as a couple, and that may be true now but we had to fight to get here, we had to fight really bloody hard.

At the start of 2016 we decided we needed and wanted another baby, it was not an easy decision and we knew the heart ache this could mean but we were both adamant, id stopped drinking at home and instead of going out so much I worked more. We had two miscarriages that year and in December id reached my limits, I collapsed outside the school gates and was blue lighted to hospital with a suspected stroke.

On my medical records it still says ‘suspected mini stroke’ I was treated for blood clots on my lungs and referred for an MRI but in the Feb 2017 I fell pregnant with Eric and the MRI never happened.

After I collapsed it felt like a wake up call, I stopped the silly hours, I stopped busying myself to deal with my brain and I focused on my family – I still work crazy hours when my brain needs to switch off but I am getting better at finding balance.

What followed my new found calm was, two blue lines on a stick at the beginning of 2019, what came after that was 9 months of ups and downs that i just didn’t see coming.. but our rainbow was indeed, coming.

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