2019 started with the biggest curve ball, i was turning 29+1 and we had nights out, dinners and a trip of a lifetime to NYC booked. So when aunt flo never showed up after new years, i started to question things.. i was on the pill FFS?! and i can hear so many of you rolling your eyes right now because we all know a pill baby yes, but id already had mine with Brandon – twice? really?
I took a test and it was, at first, negative.. Rob was at football with Brandon and i had briefly said i was late the day before, but that wasn’t uncommon for me so we weren’t panicked. Eric was napping and while cleaning i found an old test, in my head i thought .. better just rule it out. So when one line came up i was cool as a cucumber, i left the test in the bathroom as Eric woke up and i went about making him lunch etc.. just before Rob got home i popped upstairs with the intent of binning what id left laying around .. but right there on the side was TWO lines .. two! staring straight up at me!
First reaction? i couldn’t stop laughing.. Brandon was making a pot noodle and called out for a hand so as i got up, to go help him, i just threw it out to Rob ‘oh i’m pregnant by the way’ and ran off to the kitchen.. we ate lunch with stupid smiles on our faces and Rob just looked at me ‘guess were doing that then ay’ and we laughed.. the enormity never dawned on either of us.
The first hurdle was that we had no idea ‘how’ pregnant we were, with a trip to the big apple about to happen i needed to know, as id doubled up on my pill over nov/dec i could have been a couple of weeks or a closer to 3 months. The second issue was that i really don’t handle being pregnant very well, we had said one more but not this close and i really wasn’t mentally prepared. I took myself off to meet my midwife for a booking in appointment the week before i was flying, my face said everything in that room. She asked why i didn’t look excited and in that moment i just cried. I wasn’t excited in the slightest and i felt guilty because i couldn’t be, but with everything id been through the thought of having to do another 9 months in and out of hospital, the thought of not making it to 9 months, the anxiety in my throat was too much! luckily she heard me completely and referred me straight to the team of bereavement midwives, Id had them with Eric. She then went on to explain i would probably have to have another csection; at this point she added that i would probably be eligible to be sterilized. I was shocked, i never even thought i could be, but here was someone telling me i could take control of my body, i could make decisions for me.
She had also insisted on an early scan so we could figure out how far along i was, the history of miscarriage also called for this. we tried everything to get that appointment before i flew but it really wasn’t happening.
Instead i flew like a nervous wreck, i had to most incredible trip all planned out for me and what happens on day 2? i start bleeding.. we bumbled around brooklyn bridge, ground zero and the statue of liberty knowing i could be loosing our baby, in our heads we had the routes to all hospitals mapped out and about 3 other plans as back up. Nothing happened, we kept waiting for the ‘moment’ but it didn’t come, i kept bleeding but it wasn’t amounting to anything. When we landed we couldn’t wait to see the boys, i had a few hours with them and then i took myself off to the hospital. It was there i discovered i was just shy of 8 weeks pregnant, a heartbeat was faint so i had to go back the following week, and every other week after that til i got to 20 weeks in fact. When i got to 16 weeks i met my consultant and explained i wanted to be sterilized after delivery, when i explained why he just smiled and said yes, he knew i wasn’t mentally going to cope with another pregnancy, when i got home i told Rob. I know this should have been a together decision, but there was no doubt in my mind how supportive he was going to be, and i was right. Rob knew better than anyone that i was struggling 4th time round, neither of us could go through anymore. So the decison was made, paperwork signed before we knew the sex, which is a big deal as i am constantly asked if i wanted a girl. In short, i wanted healthy babies, that decision had to be made without knowing the sex of our last. we did find out further on that we were in fact having our 4th and final son, i could have changed my mind at this point, rang the consultant and scrapped the whole idea.. i didn’t, i knew i was done.
On Sept 10th our little Harry made his grand entrance, i facetimed my dad on his trip to Thailand while in recovery and then the message went out, we had completed our little family and he was just as perfect as his big brothers.
In a way i think Harry needed to be a surprise, i would probably still be bumbling around the idea of another now, otherwise. mentally i was never ready but i didn’t end up in hospital every other week like with Eric, I accepted i was a mess, i accepted i was scared of loosing another son, i openly cried ALOT to my husband about how much i was struggling. I found a playgroup where i could just be me, i went to counselling, i eased up on my working hours, i was honest as hell to anyone and everyone and for the first time since loosing Roo i think i figured out how i need to cope. I need to be open, i can’t brave face it every day of the week, i can’t do that at home, i need to say when i’m crumbling. Do i always say it? no. do i still hide behind a fake smile and a shitty joke? of course. BUT around my kids, to my husband and my closest friends .. im Me. They all know when i’m faking it, they all know how to sort my head out, even my Brandon knows when i just need a cuddle.
Our little Harry came along and filled a little space we didn’t know was there, he completed our little family in just the right way, and now i will forever be a proud mum of boys.